Let’s talk parenting inevitabilities, because frankly…they’re pretty much endless. Here are a few we’ve learned (🙈) over the years:
1) Even though it’s been 4 years since your youngest child was a baby, you’ll still find fresh spit-up on your clothes most days. Or, more accurately, your friends and/or work colleagues will find the spit-up.
2) If your child has a piece of toast in the car, they will drop it. If they don’t have a piece of toast, they’ll want one. If you run back inside to make them a piece of toast, they will drop it when you get back and hand it to them. (Pro-tip: just skip all the hassle and go straight to the tears.)
3) You will spend more star-lit evenings in urgent medical centres than restaurants.
4) You’ll still sing in the shower, but they’ll be songs from Peppa Pig and Sesame Street.
5) Every morning, your children will hear you singing those songs in the shower and gather around to join in. Kumbaya.
6) If it’s freezing cold outside your kids will want to wear – as a maximum – a singlet. If it’s super hot, they’ll prefer – no, they’ll insist on – a woollen jersey, a ski jacket, and a scarf or three.
7) Someone will tell you to add and/or remove a layer of your child’s clothing. THEY’RE OVER-HEATING, YOU BAD, BAD PARENT.
8) You’ll forget what it’s like to sit down to eat. If…sitting down to eat…was ever…a thing?
9) If there’s any kind of event – a wedding, a visit to a grandparent’s house, a family portrait photoshoot – your kids will break out in WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT IS over most of their face and body.
10) You will contract WHATEVER THAT IS just in time for *your* next event.
11) Your toddler will call out from the toilet requesting wipe assistance 93% of the times you’re standing and eating a meal. The other 7% of mealtimes will include the request for a full change of clothing. Because apparently it’s possible to completely drench yourself, head to toe, in pee.
12) If you hear someone mention the concept of ‘bedtime’ you will laugh. Hysterically. Maniacally. The laughing will turn to tears. Full on sobbing. BECAUSE YOU HAVE LEARNED THERE IS NO SUCH THING.