Most parents who’ve stepped into a life without school will tell you they understand deschooling.
They’ve read about it. Thought about it. Reflected on their own childhood, and the kinds of beliefs they want to let go of. They’ve started questioning their ideas about learning, productivity, success, and how children grow. They’ve slowed things down. Let things soften. Moved toward trust.
And on the surface, that shift feels meaningful. Real.
But then something strange happens.
Even with all that awareness, a child has a slow morning...and it makes your chest tighten, or you feel an itch to get the day ‘back on track’.
You realise they haven’t “done much” all week...and a voice in your head starts telling you to step in, because maybe things are drifting too much.
A friend asks what your child is “working on” at the moment. You pause, and your mind goes totally blank...what are they working on right now? Oh no.
You’re playing a board game where they have to add up points, and when they can’t do it quickly you catch yourself thinking…maybe we should be doing more formal math after all.
You hear about another child doing something impressive...and you start wondering if you’re doing enough, that maybe your child is falling behind.
You thought you’d let go of all that. But suddenly, it’s right there again. Instinctively, like muscle memory.
And that’s the moment I want to talk about today.
Because for most of us, the struggle with deschooling isn’t about whether we believe in something different. It’s about whether our brain and body feel safe enough to live it.
The truth is, school didn’t just shape our thinking.
It shaped our wiring.
Our sense of safety.
Our default reactions.
Our patterns of meaning and worth.
When you spend more than a decade being measured, compared, evaluated, and rewarded for fitting into someone else’s system, your brain doesn’t just walk away from that untouched. The beliefs you form about yourself - and what it means to “do well” - become deeply encoded. Not just in your thoughts, but in your nervous system.
And that’s why deschooling can feel so difficult.
You can believe in freedom, but still feel deeply unsettled when things are unstructured.
You can believe in trust, but still feel drawn to tracking and measuring.
You can believe in following the child, but still find yourself subtly trying to steer the day.
That isn’t because you’re failing at this. It’s because the brain doesn’t change its patterns through insight alone.
Awareness matters, of course. But it’s not enough.
Neural pathways - especially ones reinforced over years of repetition - don’t just disappear because we’ve become aware of them, and reflected on them. Even when we can very clearly see how school shaped our thinking, and even when we understand what we want to change, those old responses often keep running quietly in the background.
The brain can’t just ‘unlearn’. It can only rewire. So unlearning, in practice, is really about replacement.
We need to create and strengthen new pathways that compete with the old ones. And over time, if those new pathways are used often enough - and the old ones are no longer being reinforced - the brain starts to prune them away.
So - change doesn’t happen through thinking differently.
It happens through doing differently.
Through new patterns.
New emotional experiences.
New ways of responding, over and over again, until those are what feel familiar. And safe.
Deschooling isn’t just about letting go. It’s about rebuilding. And that rebuilding doesn’t happen all at once.
It happens in the everyday moments we start meeting differently.
When we catch an old belief rising, and redirect ourselves before it takes over.
When we feel the urge to take control, and choose to stay curious instead.
When we hold still in discomfort, instead of rushing to 'fix' it.
When we show up with a new response - one that’s better aligned with the life we’re trying to build.
And slowly, those new responses start to become the default.
That’s what this process really is.
Not a pause before something new begins, but the work itself.
I'm Issy - a home educating dad and the voice behind The Life Without School Podcast 🎙️ Every week I send out grounded, thoughtful encouragement through emails just like this. If you’re not already signed up to get them, drop your email address into the box below - I'd love to send them your way.
And if you’d like to go even deeper on this very topic, I share a new episode inside my private Life Without School Collection every week. These are research-backed episodes that tackle the real doubts, decisions, and mindset shifts that shape home educating life, giving you practical tools to grow your confidence, deepen your trust in your child, and build a home education journey that truly fits your family.
(there’s already more than 10 hours of listening waiting for you inside, growing every week)
📚 Find out more about the Collection here
